Nails, they are drilled in, hammered in, all designed to make a hole through, on wood they combine two or more, bringing together some intricate design, beautifying. However you forget the simple fact that I’m only human…..
Nails dig holes in me, they don’t beautify; they give me scars, ugly scars. They make me hide my face in public, shy off, they break me leaving me feeling bereft, unworthy, hollow. They make me bleed profusely, tearing into my flesh, taking me apart piece by piece. Turning the little beauty in me into something hideous.
So they see me and whisper, point fingers, call me names; funny thing is they haven’t even seen what’s behind the scarf entirely. They are still partly blind, though hearing them speak they’ve seen my life in HD, are aware of all cracks and chemises.
In detail they could describe the limp in my right limb, the layers on my skin, the words I like to stutter, my love handles and four wheels and how I can’t walk for five minutes without breaking a sweat. They could speak of my child disgracefully reason I had her while in high school or campus. About how ‘waliniendea kwa mganga’ coz I have epilepsy. About how messed up I am coz they heard I take ARVs.
Funny thing is they are right, I may have AIDS, I may be obese ,have a love a child, be epileptic, have a disfigured face……didn’t I know that already? Probably before the rumours got to them.
So as I hear every word in passing, see them run off and warn their kids not to be caught in my peripherals, the holes get deeper, the despair increases, the bruises grow within despite the ones formed without. The plastic surgeon is as true as unicorns, I fear death so suicide is a farfetched possibility, so I guess I need a support system one that would help me silence the voices in my head.
I need to amplify the few I love you’s , the few hugs from those brave enough, the laughter from those who laugh with me and not at me. Find my joy within, trust in Gods unconditional love and purpose, for by getting out of my bubble,then I could see that iron not only creates nails but jewels as well, diamond does not just create drills but is among the toughest materials, it glitters and screams value.
Therefore I put down my mask and walk with my head high, choosing to educate you on the reasons why I am this way for the sake of your beloved who may come to be, or be born this way, though I pray that as I chose to be brave so will you be in seeking to find out the reasons why.., before throwing stones, that you will be more compassionate and not make suicide a better option for some. Make a decision to be the nail that joins two together adding value and giving hope because we all need some. No one is perfect. Unless with a ton of love.